Teachings of Danocrates Allenopolos

If you live in a major city, you may have noticed a rise in fixed gear bikes.

A fixed-gear bicycle or fixed wheel bicycle, is a bicycle without the ability to coast. The sprocket is screwed directly on to the hub and there is no freewheel mechanism. A reverse-thread lockring is usually fitted to prevent the sprocket from unscrewing. Whenever the rear wheel is turning, the pedals turn in the same direction.By resisting the rotation of the pedals, a rider can slow the bike to a stop, without the aid of a brake.

Hipsters are gobbling them up. Everywhere I go I see some kid in a fedora hat (who was wearing a Baker’s hat last year) with a Thundercat t-shirt (with quotation marks around the emblem) riding a fixed gear now that it is extremely hip.

I would be hypocrite if I didn’t divulge that I purchased an Emo-mobile last September and love it but I chickened out and got a front brake. The reason I say “chickened out” is because fixed gears are capable of stopping “without the aid of a brake”. Hardcore fixies will give you a “tsk tsk” look when they see that you installed a brake or “testicle remover” as they call them. Fuck that, I ride over the Queensboro Bridge to get home.

At first, I held contempt for these elitists. Then I realized this infectious, fashion trend is awesome. Brakes have somehow become out-of-fashion.

What a beautiful way to thin the herd. Welcome back America!

I took this photo in the Cayman Islands.

My “friends” Jon Fisch and Joe List were in the green room at Comix comedy club in NYC and overheard my joke,
“I only attract girls who find Skeletor sexy.”

They both agreed that it didn’t make sense because even though Skeletor was theoretically a skeleton. I would never in this lifetime be as muscular as him (perhaps I should replace him with the non-steroidal Mumm-Ra.

I apologize for breaking the fourth wall and speaking to you directly. Let’s stop this virtual relationship that we have and meet in person.

I’m participating in the Parkinson’s Unity Walk on Saturday, April 26th. Would love to see you there.

If you want to join my team, go here.

WHERE:
Central Park at 72nd St. Enter Park from 5th Ave.
WHEN:
1:00 p.m

My team’s goal was $1,500 and we’ve received $1,845. So anything ever that would be awesome.

A five dollar donation would be perfect.

If you can’t make it (or hate walking), you can make a donation here.

Here’s more info about the event here.

Thanks!

Mah nishtanah ha-lahylah ha-zeh mi-kol ha-layloht, mi-kol ha-layloht?

1.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin chameytz u-matzah, chameytz u-matzah. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, kooloh matzah?

2.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin sh’ar y’rakot, sh’ar y’rakot. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, maror?

3.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht ayn anu mat’bilin afilu pa’am echat, afilu pa’am echat. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, sh’tay p’amim?

4.)
She-b’khol ha-layloht anu okhlin bayn yosh’bin u’vayn m’soobin, bayn yosh’bin u’vayn m’soobin. Ha-lahylah ha-zeh, ha-lahylah ha-zeh, koolanu m’soobin?

Why is this night different from all other nights?

1.)
Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?

2.)
Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?

3.)
Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?

4.)
Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?

Why do we do this?

1.)
What time is dinner?

2.)
What are we having for dinner?

3.)
What are we having for dessert?

4.)
Who’s cleaning up?

What would Jesus do at a Seder?

1.)
Are Elijah and Miriam Easter bunnies?

2.)
Why do I get laughed at when I tell people what I believe in?

3.)
Why are a growing number of indecisive Jews for Jesus becoming transvestites?

4.)
Who are we kidding?

Why do Jews act crazy this time of year?

1.)
Why the hell are they afraid of bread?

2.)
Why do they get so many days off?

3.)
Why aren’t there laws to arrest them for using Christian blood in their satanic rituals?

4.)
Why are there so many Jews?

If you’ve never listen to Keith and the Girl’s podcast, you haven’t lived.

This time Keith and the Girl invited Jesse Joyce and myself on the show to go head-to-head. It was therapeutic for our relationship. We are going to get married in August.

Always a fun show.

Here are the thoughts of the KATG fans on their forum

“I knew I would love Jesse and Dan on the same show….. My favorite is when Jesse started yelling at Dan (the project mince meat argument), it sounded a bit like they have been married for years….When there is more than one guest on sometimes the dynamics are weird, but since they already know each other they don’t feel the need to be polite, so they just shit on each other over and over again…. loved it…”
~memecherry

“Just started listening to this and I can’t stop giggling between big bouts of laughter. Jesse and Dan are like a married couple that can’t stop fighting. A funny pair those two really make. I look forward to more shows with them together.”
~juliofromny

Emailing my Dad in Vietnam.

Here’s William Shatner pushing the future of technology:

A few years ago I was standing in front of the iconic Bowery Poetry Club which is across the street from the infamous but now closed CBGB. I was smoking a cigarette with fellow performers and I confessed,
“Even though I’m not that religious, I feel a little guilty because I woke up this morning, masturbated and then realized it was Easter.” Before anyone could respond, a guy standing next to us started to mumble, “An erection, a resurrection…he had an erection on a resurrection…An erection, a resurrection…(repeat)”.

I would have normally dismissed the guy as a “normal”, crazy homeless guy but I noticed the marquee stating that Jim Carroll, the author of The Basketball Diaries, was performing in a half hour. So instead of walking away from him like my friends did, I approached him and offered him a cigarette. Next thing I now I’m listening to a personalized spoken word piece about my erection and Jesus. Groovy.

Wikipedia tells me Jim was born in 1950 but I was shocked to see how old he actually looked. I would say he was in between Zsa Zsa Gábor and the Crypt Keeper.

The government would save so much money on the War on Drugs if they just took Mr. Carroll on tour to high schools across America. All they would have to do is introduce him to the class and say, “You can do drugs but…” and make an awkward, cartoon-y side glance to Jim. Done.