3-on-3, 5-on-5 and 4-on-4

April 24th, 2008

In Game 1, there was a collision between Denver’s Dan “The Tick” Soder and Dan “Mr. Burns from The Simpsons” Allen. Allen’s elbow is slightly fucked up but he might be able to play this Sunday.

Fisch and List were confused at Comix when they heard Allen’s joke, “I only attract girls who find Skeletor sexy.” Fisch and List agreed that Skeletor isn’t a logical choice because although he is a “skeleton”. He’s more muscular than Allen will ever hope to achieve.

The day started with a 3-on-3 tournament.

Game 1
Aldous, Bergman and Allen beat McCarthy, Hirshon and Soder (16-8). Bargatze, Shaki and List beat local Astorians Jason, Ronnie and Nick.

Game 2
Aldous, Bergman and Allen beat Jason, Ronnie and Nick (15-7). McCarthy turned on the heat and scored 14 points to help his teammates Hirshon and Soder beat Bargatze, List and Shaki (16-4).

The games then morphed into 5-on-5 full court.

Game 3
Aldous, Bergman, Allen, McCarthy and Nick won (19-12)

Game 4
Aldous, Bergman, Allen, McCarthy and Nick won again (19-12)

The games then became 4-on-4 half-court.

Game 5
Hirshon, List, Bargatze and a local Astorian won (16-13). (Note: Possible Vanderbilt graduate Bargatze modestly claims he scored 14 of those 16 points.)

Game 6

Game 7
Aldous, Berman, Allen and McCarthy came back and won the final game (19-12)

World Record 209 three pointers in a row by 60 year old man

April 24th, 2008

Great Battles

April 20th, 2008

Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, and Julio was the team to beat with three consecutive wins. Potter’s threes, Allen’s defense, O’Reilly’s passing and Julio** being there for the pass. Allen (still donning his magical Rodham Spurs jersey) was a whirlwind of arms today. He delivered a dozen demoralizing blocks to Esquire, Collins, Swan, Collins and Bobby. Unfortunately, Allen was only able to get his fingertips on Cerulli’s shots but redeemed himself while guarding Bobby and Esquire. ABA officials are investigating the footage to see if Bobby and Esquire weren’t throwing the games and telling Allen when they were going to shoot due to the unnatural awesomeness of the blocks. They almost appeared rehearsed. Cerulli, Collins, Swan, and Esquire finally stopped the Dream Team’s quest for the coveted seven consecutive wins in Game 5. 


There was a slight verbal altercation between Collins and O’Reilly. Collins felt O’Reilly retaliated with a foul for a previous play. He then said sternly , “If I foul you, call it. Don’t do that ever again. I’m saying this out loud so everyone hears me that I warned him.” The warning had the same tone of Joe Piscopo’s character Danny Vermin’s line in Johnny Dangerously: “You shouldn’t hit me in the balls like that, lady. My sister hit me in the balls once.” Fortunately, everyone’s tempers stabilized and no blows were thrown.

Allen pulled Collins aside after the game and told Collins he reacted hot-headed-ly like Rafael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He encouraged him to “cool his jets” and to strive to be more like Leonardo. Collins responded, “Fuck off, nerd.”


**Julio was irked that their was a (?) next to his name for MVP. He officially earned the title today.

Game 1
Cerulli, Collins, Swan, Bobby beats Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Julio (19-11)

Game 2
Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Julio beats Cerulli, Collins, Swan, Bobby (19-13)

Game 3
Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Julio slaughter Cerulli, Collins, Swan, Esquire (21-5)

Game 4
Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Julio beats Cerulli, Bobby, Swan, Esquire (19-10)

Game 5
Cerulli, Collins, Swan, Esquire barely beat Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Julio (20-17)

Game 6
Cerulli, Collins, Swan, Esquire beat Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Bobby (19-12)

Game 7
Potter, Allen, O’Reilly, Bobby beats Cerulli, Collins, Julio, Esquire (19-11)


13 Blowouts Games (180-79) and Stats

April 16th, 2008


It was day of slaughter or be slaughtered. Each team had an Achilles Heel that was only vulnerable to certain teams. Think Mega-Man (circa 1990):

Each team could be represented by a Robot Master.

Fire Man: Bergman, Moody, Nick, Allen
Strength: Three-point ability, rebounds, Moody’s left hand
Weakness: 2 out 40 three point attempts

Ice Man: Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List
Strength: Aldous’ tenacity, Bargatze’s fade-away, List’s perimeter shot, Kareman’s defense
Weakness: Lack of three point shooting, Joe “Pukey McGee” List (see Boulger)

Bomb Man: Fisch, Hirshon, Boulger, Jason
Strength: Fisch’s spaz power, Hirshon’s uncanny ability to ride Fisch’s coat tail, Boulger’s penetration
Weakness: Fisch’s sweat, Jason’s inability to pass, Boulger staying out late with List

Allen’s profile three point shot.

Julio (????)


Bergman, Moody, Nick, Allen (15-13)
Fisch, Jason, Boulger and Hirshon 

Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List (15-6)
Bergman, Moody, Nick, Allen 

Bergman, Moody, Nick, Allen (15-3)
Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List 

Bergman, Moody, Nick, Allen (15-2)
Fisch, List, Boulger, Hirshon 

Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List (15-2)
Bergman, Moody, Nick, Allen 

Fisch, Hirshon, Boulger, Jason (15-10)
Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List 

Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List (15-5)
Fisch, Hirshon, Boulger, Jason 

Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List  (15-9)
Bergman, Moody, Boulger, Allen

Julio, Hirshon, Fisch, Jason (15-8)
Aldous, Kareman, Bargatze, List 

Julio, Hirshon, Fisch, Jason (15-9)
Bergman, Moody, Boulger, Allen 

Julio, Hirshon, Fisch, Jason (15-10)
Boulger, Kareman, Bargatze, List 

Julio, Hirshon, Fisch, Jason  (15-2)
Bergman, Kareman, Boulger, Allen

No one knows what Hirshon is smiling at.


Six Consecutive Wins

April 6th, 2008

Sunday April 6th, 2008

Great turn out today.

Comedians and people who pretend to be comedians:
Wali Collins
Dan Allen
Neil Potter
Seymour Swan
Luke Cunningham
Brian McGuiness
Jeff Cerelli
Willie Morales


Original Sunday Crew:
Brian Wilson
Nick “Anderson”

Non-Comedy (Civilians):
Vinny (Luke’s friend)
Jimmy (Luke’s friend)
Andy (Troy’s friend)

Miraculously, the games started on time. A total of eight full court games to 19 were played today. The first game was in the same spirit of UNC crushing Washington State 68-47 in this year’s Sweet Sixteen. Potter, Nick “Anderson”, Esquire, Cerelli and Allen easily looked like a first seed team. Their three point ability was unstoppable. If this was a live version of SNES NBA Jam, Cerelli would have been engulfed in flames and the announcer would have cried out, “He’s on fire!

Sadly, that trip to the playoffs ended quickly in the second game just like the date-raping, probably racist Psycho T and his Tar Heels did when they lost to Kansas in the Final Four.

The new team to beat was Cunningham, Seymour, Wilson, Corey and Willie.

They broke (or tied. The ABA staff reporters are review the archives now) new ground in ABA history. They won six consecutive games. They could have made a record and won seven in a row but two of the dynasty team members’ testicles atrophied in their body as they threw in the towel and said, “We’re tired.”

Allen and “Anderson” joined their team and won the final game of the day. Allen was overheard saying, “I didn’t realize I was on enemy’s team until halfway through. If I would have known in the beginning, I wouldn’t have played as hard.”

Uncharacteristically for ABA games, there were several arguments, especially in Game 6 (the fifth for the winning team). The score was 18-18. Both teams were extremely tired and had a minimum of six critical turnovers preventing a win. The court became gridlocked with face-to-face arguing over a disagreement of someone who was inside the line but threw it at an opposing player who was out-of-bounds.

Players-in-waiting started to create a fight bracket hoping to see some real punches. Cunningham was a first seed pick since he resembles the wrestler The Undertaker.

Even though McGuiness is also 6’6″ 225lbs, he was a fourth seed because he resembles Soda Popinski.

Oddly, tiny little Wilson (also known as “The Mormon”, “Yellow” or “11”) was a first seed due to his tenacity.

Fortunately (and unfortunately), no faces were punched and the game continued. There was one more awkward moment when Willie travelled and then was fouled by Esquire.

Other notes:
Allen appreciated Luke’s friend Vinnie for coming out and making him feel taller and validated by allowing Allen to deliver a handful of demoralizing blocks.

In a post game interview with Collins, he was appalled by his performance and said, “I can’t believe I only made one basket.”

Tie between Willie and Wilson

Game Week 28 | MANHATTAN

July 16th, 2006


Devito and Seymour

In game four of seven, Devito brought his team back into the game with four consecutive three point shots but somehow the opposing team managed to pull of the win. Rumor has it that the opposing team shaved off points from Devito’s team to seal their victory.

Other Observations:
Potter and Allen were not pleased with their four wins and three losses. When paired together they normally deliver a powerful force. Something was missing and it was mediocre at best.

Everyone felt better about themselves as they watched Allen make a “fast” break-away for the final basket of the game. Someone said it looked like Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) doing an impression of Gandalf as he slithered side-to-side slowly down the court, came to a dead stop and pogo-sticked jumped straight up and made an easy lay-up.

Game Week 26 | ASTORIA

July 14th, 2006

Randolf T.

Play of the Day:
Alexandro saddled up behind the three point line. Being a powerful scorer from that range, the opposing team stepped up their defense. Alexandro recieved a bad pass. Allowing Allen to steal the ball with his left hand and drive by on Alexandro‘s right side for a fast break-away to the other end of the court. With the speed and agility of the old Shaq moving down court, Allen awkwardly dribbled down to the unguarded basket. Alexandro was hot on his back. Allen slowed his pace as if a wizard had cast a Slow spell and he was wading his way through invisible molasses. He leaped from a two-footed jump stop, slam dunked the ball with two hands, hung on the rim, and yelled a battle cry at the same decibal of Wesley being tortured by the Six-Fingered Man in Princess Bride.

As Allen was running down court someone faintly yelled,”Just let him slam, Ted!”

Other Highlights:
Allen foiled Lance’s signature move at the end of the last game. Whenever Lance makes a basket or his team wins a game, he immediately makes a fist, brings his elbow towards his waist and shouts, “Yes!”, in the same spirit of Tiger Woods. As he made the game winning basket and was about to go into his rehearsed finishing move, Allen slid underneath the basket and delivered it with the same enthusiasm even though his team lost.

Game Week 26 | WORLD CUP

July 10th, 2006

Attendence (pathetic):


ABA got they’re asses hand to them in a series four on four full court games with the locals.
They started off strong but the other team was a faster running team.

ABA will resume the Hunter High School game at 11:30 for the next three Sundays.


July 4th, 2006

Brett Anderson
Scott R
Dominick Dierkes
Dominick’s Friend (??)
Dominick’s Friend (Prince Valiant)
Random Stuyvesant Kids

Allen showed up at 1PM. An hour and half later than the scheduled time. He started his trek in Hoboken with the PATH train to 14th and 7th Avenue. There he went down to take the L train to 14th and 3rd to get to his car which he had parked the previous night on 12th Street between 2nd and 3rd Avenue. Unfortunately, he mistakenly jumped on the F train and had to transfer to the uptown train at the Broadway/Lafayette stop. He decided at that it would be best to get out at the Union Square station but somehow he managed to get out at 14th Street and 6th Avenue (only one avenue west of the PATH train entrance). Frustrated, he called Anderson, who was already at the courts, and told him he was running late. Allen finally got on the crosstown M14 bus to 3rd Avenue. He found his car, drove it east, and parked it between Avenue B and Avenue C. He grabbed his sports bag and headed for Stuyvesant Town. Allen walked onto the courts in jeans and dress shoes. He stripped down behind some bushes and changed into to his basketball gear. The ABA players were mildly annoyed by his tardiness but seem accepting of his excuse once they discovered it was because he was distracted by the attention of a female.


July 2nd, 2006

A lot of ABA players are suffering from withdrawl syndromes from not
being able to play on Sundays and rain outs.

The ABA staff is working around the clock to find another location
for the summer.

We are going to try to play at the Stuyvesant Town basketball courts.

They have plexiglass backboards, breakaway rims, and keep the courts

Walk to 14th and Avenue B and head northwest into the apartment

Cut and paste the link below to get a detailed map of the complex.
Click on “Basketball”

ABA is constantly updating our player’s contact information.

Please email all your info:
Email address

Also, anyone interested in playing this Sunday please email me for a
head count.


http://taoofdan.com (read it)