Astoria Basketball Association

No highlights.

ABA’s sport reporter has been distracted by the intoxicating pheromones of an exotic carbon-based life form of the XX persausion.

Attendance:
Neil Potter
Dan Allen
Moody
Ronny
Sanders
Ray Devito
Shawn Basler
Keith Basler
Sandy Marks (did not play)

Players with Five Consecutive Wins:
Potter
Allen
Sanders
Devito

Players with Five Consecutive Losses:
Moody
Ronny
Shawn Basler
Keith Basler

Potter used the same psychological demoralzing tactic from last week and asked the opposing team if they wanted to switch the players to make it fair. He suggested Allen for Moody. The team declined the offer and took their loss at least with the dignity of unity.

MVP:
Allen*. He dominated the boards with offensive and defensive rebounds and tipping in missed shots. The opposing team tried three different defenders (both Basler brothers and Ronny) but each one ran into the same problem.

Injuries:
Miraculously, none this game.

*Some speculate that Allen’s nomination was due to the fact that he has a close relationship with the ABA founders. An investigation into these allegations have been put into motion.

taoofdan.com
Read it

Attendance:
Neil Potter
Gurnell
Seymour Swan
Max Lance
Dan Allen
Sandy Marcus
Ted Alexandro
Moody
Fisch
Erik Rivera

Players with Five Consecutive Wins:
Potter
Lance
Swan

Players with Five Consecutive Losses:
Rivera
Moody
Alexandro

Allen was traded on the third game for Marks to make the teams even. His teammates felt he was the cancer of team and wanted him to be removed. Potter said, “We can’t afford Marks anymore but we will still appreciate what Allen could possibly bring to the team.” Allen was very disappointed with his former teammates and vowed that he would not bring his new team down. Allen proclaimed, “Don’t worry. Now I have a fire inside to beat them!” Alexandro piped in, “Hopefully you’ll be able to find that fire. You look despondent.”

MVP:
Sandy Marks. Even though he was traded on the third game and took two losses, he dominated under the boards (offense and defense) on both teams.

Injuries:
Marks dealt out two unintentional elbow blows to Swan’s and Allen’s faces.

Play of the Day:
On the last game of the five game series, the defending champions were able to hold their opponents at 17 points (game to 19) for 8 possessions and finally delivered a bucket to win.

taoofdan.com
Read it

Attendance:
Jon Fisch
Dan Allen
Big Jay Oakerson
Oakerson’s friend (Luis?)
Gary Gulman
Tim Young
Rondell
Jeremy Schachter
Jamie Lissow
Tim Young
Randolf
Stan
Josh G.
Guy in Pittsburgh Shirt

MVPs:
Lissow was on fire.

Randolph for having a car/ambulance. (see Injuries)

Injuries:
A catastrophic incident occured on a routine lay-up by Young during a five-on-five full court game. Prior to that moment, Young was playing hard and vying for MVP again. Unfortunately, that attempt was crushed when he landed on a defender’s shoe and rolled his ankle. Game play stopped immediately and all the players circled around. Everyone seemed to be in their own world as they stared at Young’s trembling leg. Being comedians, everyone was silently vowing to themselves that they would get their shit together in case they were struck by this same tragedy.

Fisch began to ask if anyone had a car to transport Young to the hospital. Randolph volunteered his vehicle. Gulman and Fisch carried Young to the Randolph’s car. Allen went with Randolf and Young. Once Young was dropped off at his doctor, Allen selfishly told Young that he needed to leave for an audition he just received from his manager. Young said he’d be alright and would call Randolph once his doctor was done.

Turned out that Young had broken his ankle in two places, which was horrible timing since he had nine spots this weekend at The Cellar, Gotham, Dangerfield’s and The Strip.

A couple younger comics couldn’t empathize with his situation because they only get nine spots every month. They felt it was like a person complaining about Final Four tickets in the nosebleed section (boo-hoo).

Overheard:
When they were carrying Young off, Schachter was heard saying, “What’s the score? 10-12? He didn’t make that last shot? We’re still playing right?”

Once everyone realized it was actually broken, Young’s datebook become an injured cow in the pirhana-infested Amazon.

Oakerson decided to call The Cellar.

Fisch and Gulman played “Rock-Paper-Scissors” for his Gotham and Strip spots

Schachter and Lissow called their college agent and instructed him to go to Tim’s website for his schedule.

Attendance:
Jon Fisch
Dan Allen
Big Jay Oakerson
Nate
Ted Alexandro
Max Lance
Moody
Rondell
Keith Alberstadt
Jeremy Schachter
Tim Young
Randolf

Team with the Most Wins:

Five on Five
Fisch, Lance, Oakerson, Young, and Schachter (3 out 5 games)

Three on Three
Fisch, Young, and Nate (2 out of 3)

MVPs:
Young. Although this was his first game of the season, he was able to dominate in the paint and pounded out some threes. His publicist said he will play more once his face mask is complete. Young chipped a subatomic-size piece of tooth last year during a run-in with Lissow’s elbow(which was odd because Lissow is so low to the ground). The mask is being fabricated in India out of non-petroleum based, recyclable plastic. Young said his pre-game secret was stretching and meditating to the sound of whales masturbating.

Injuries:
Some speculated that while attempting a lay-up, Alberstadt stepped on the exposed bolts securing the post to the ground and others thought he had hit his knee on the post. Alberstadt went down immediately and rolled around holding his leg while shrieking in pain. Oakerson was heard saying, “Hey Moody don’t be so happy just because you get to play now.” Everyone can agree Moody is an opportunist. It turned out that Alberstadt was just suffering from recurring patella problem. Randolph seemed extremely confident that his skilled hands could massage the problem away. Things got uncomfortable as he gently worked the inner thigh region. The players kept reminding Randolph that Alberstadt’s knee was the problem. Lance uncharacteristically bought (with his own money) a bag of ice to alleviate the pain. Allen was surprised by his monetary generosity and brought it to Lance’s attention. Lance responded, “You’re such asshole.”

Arguments:
Lance was adamant that the final score of one game was 16-8 not 16-4 (which Allen had erroneously announced numerous times). Allen then said, “Okay Max, whatever you say. How about sixteen to fifteen point nine nine repeating? You know what? You still lost.”

Sidenote:
Lance had to leave to watch a Jennifer Aniston movie. He offered everyone a free ticket to join him. All the players awkwardly looked away. One player actually pulled his waistband forward to make sure he still had testicles. Once he confirmed that they were in fact intact, he realized Lance must have been directing that offer to someone else.

Attendence:
Neil Potter
Sean Basler
Wali Collins
Seymour Swan
Dan Allen
Moody McCarthy
Brian
Yasha
Gurnell
Nick “Anderson”

Team with the Most Wins:
Potter, Collins, Seymour, Yasha, and Allen

4 out of 5 (not consectutive)

Still no team has been able to pull off five wins in a row.

Plays of the Day:
Inspired by watching Hoosiers the night before, Allen called out the “Picket Fence” on the last basket of the final game. Collins swung around the fence and didn’t watch the paint dry. He drained a perimeter shot for the comeback win (20-16). Collins said he didn’t want to do the play becuase he thought Hoosiers was a racist movie about some white kids beating some black kids.

Gurnell actually passed to a team member. Both teams were in shock and cried in unison, “Wow. Great pass?”

Injuries:
Collins was playing with an injured left hand and was gouged in the eye.

McCarthy’s butter finger ball handling was due to the fact that he was operating on 2 hours of sleep.

Allen’s right hand is still at 60% from last week’s game.

taoofdan.com

Game on.

Games will resume next week.

Attendance:
Jon Fisch
Dan Allen
Moody McCarthy
Nate
Jeremy Schachter (first game of the season)
Ray Devito
Keith Alberstadt (newcomer)
Tim Homayoon
Matt Taylor

Team with the Most Wins:
Fisch, Moody, Homayoon

Team with the Least Amount of Wins:
Jeremy Schachter
Dan Allen
Nate

MVPs:
Schachter. Even though he couldn’t bring his team enough points to win, his performance was 100% better than last season.

Injuries:
Newcomer Alberstadt blasted McCarthy in the upper lip. Fortunately, Fisch had some napkins and McCarthy was able to stop the bleeding. It was determined nothing was broken.

The game was being commented by a thugged out version of the infamous Muppet duo, Statler and Waldorf. Although, these armchair players were extremely annoying their observations were dead on and fucking hilarious.

They decided to give play-by-play description of the game and giving each player a nickname based on their physical appearence.

Ray Devito…Ben Stiller
Tim Homayoon…Bill Gates
Matt Taylor…Andre Agassi
Dan Allen…Dirk Nowitzki or White Mutombo
Keith Alberstadt…Andy Roddick (who knew thugs played tennis)

taoofdan.com
Read it